Nonexistent Miracles in December
by wilfred the pickle
Summary: It's December at the BAU, and Reid is far from cheery. Morgan tries to fix this. Rated T for slight language.
1. one

It had been a quiet December 1st in the bullpen so far. Granted, it was six-thirty in the morning and the bullpen usually wasn't a flurry of activity so early, but the peace and quiet was relaxing to say the least. Reid had already managed to complete three of his consultations with other police departments, steadily working down the pile he'd been procrastinating doing for almost two days. One of his contacts itched slightly from in his eye, and he made a mental note to fix it as soon as he finished the file he was working on. The quiet continued for another glorious ten minutes before a faint jingling sound came from the kitchen.

_Oh no._

Someone in the office was holding a box full of Christmas decorations. Christmas decorations that did not, under _any_ circumstances, belong in the bullpen.

As soon as Reid fixed his contacts, he would put an end to their unwelcome Christmas spirit.

o o o

The box Morgan was carrying jingled with each step he took. As he entered the kitchenette he paused for a second to fix himself a cup of coffee with one arm.

"What are you doing?" came a sudden voice from behind. Morgan whirled around and saw Reid leaning against the door with his arms crossed, effectively blocking Morgan's access to the bullpen. He breathed a sigh of relief, visibly relaxing.

"Putting Christmas decorations on everyone's desks. Standard Christmas-time practice. Why?" Morgan shifted the box in his hands, beginning to feel the strain on his arms.

"Last time I checked, Hotch didn't want any Christmas merchandise at work. Something about it being unprofessional and distracting."

"First of all, Christmas _cheer, _not Christmas _merchandise_. You make it sound like a corporate holiday."

"It _is _a corporate holiday."

Morgan shrugged, shifting the box's weight once more. "Whatever, man. He gave me half an hour to set all this up, no more. Besides, I've gotta get it done before seven so it's a surprise to everyone."

"Whatever." Reid rolled his eyes and shouldered past Morgan to the coffee pot. "Just skip my desk, would you? Christmas isn't really my thing."

"Pretty Boy, Christmas is _everyone's_ thing."

"Only 45% of the world's entire population celebrate Christmas. That's less than half," Reid clarified, raising his eyebrows.

"Then they're missing out, because Christmas is _great_. Why wouldn't you want to celebrate Christmas?" Morgan joked. He was kidding, but Reid rolled his eyes even harder.

"Now you're just ignorant. Whatever part of your crappy Christmas crackers touch my desk, you're not getting back." Reid suddenly cringed, putting a hand up to his eye. "My contacts. Ow. Ow. _Ow!" _he shrieked,

Morgan snickered. "Seems like your contacts disagree with your opinions on Christmas, kid."

Reid glared at him spitefully, one eye watering painfully. "No one gives a damn," he muttered, heading quickly towards the bathroom.

o o o

When Reid came back from the bathroom, he'd fixed his contacts enough to see the giant Christmas tree sitting right next to his desk. His eye twitched, prompting his contacts to start stinging again. "Morgan!" he yelled, wincing as he growled in frustration and hastily popped the offending contact out. "What is this?" he said as he gestured to the Christmas tree.

"A Christmas tree," Morgan frowned, walking over. "What, have your contacts made you blind now?"

"I _said_ I didn't want anything Christmas-related near my desk - oh _hell _no. What's that on the top of the tree?" Reid raised his eyebrows and pointed to the ornament sitting precariously at the very top of the tree. Made out of white and black paper and brown string, the sculpture featured two men, one pasty white and the other with darker skin, the pasty white man wrapping his arms around the other man. A big smile drawn on in whiteboard marker adorned his face.

Morgan grinned. "That's us, Pretty Boy! I'm pretty proud I made that in the ten minutes you were gone. I think it belongs in an art gallery. It really is a piece of work."

"Your _face _is a piece of work," Reid muttered, sitting down at his desk and trying to avoid the massive green elephant standing next to his desk. "This isn't a real Christmas tree, right? Because I'm allergic."

Morgan paused. "Um."

Reid's eyes widened as he quickly stood and backed away from the tree. "Take it _away_ then, you idiot - argh, my other contact!" he snarled,

"Is it the contacts or just the allergy?"

"Probably both," Reid cringed. "Seriously, put that thing back where it came from or so help me-"

"I meant your allergy to fun, not the Christmas tree. Which is _great_, by the way."

"_Get it out!" _Reid shrieked, picking up a stack of papers and flinging them at Morgan. "Why would anyone even buy a real Christmas tree? So you can smell the pine-ness? Go out into the street and smell a pinecone! They're goddamn everywhere at this time of year anyway, you shouldn't have any problems just finding _one!_"

"Okay, okay!" Morgan sighed, picking up the Christmas tree and hauling it over to the other side of the bullpen. "I'll put it in Hotch's office. He won't mind."

"As long as it's nowhere near me," Reid muttered, popping out his other contact. He squinted. "Morgan, pass me my glasses."

"Your what?" Morgan called out from Hotch's office. "Your asses?"

"Glasses, my glasses!" Reid yelled in frustration. "I can't see a thing!"

"Glasses? They're on your desk!"

"_I can't see my desk!" _Reid shrieked.

"Looking for these?" came a voice fro behind him. JJ stood there, Reid's glasses case held in her hand.

Reid cleared his throat. "Yes. Thank you. _Someone _around here knows how to treat their friends around here."

JJ raised an eyebrow. "Morgan being a dick?"

"Morgan's _always_ a dick."

o o o

It had only been twenty minutes since the Christmas tree debacle when Morgan returned with another box.

"Merry Christmas!" he cheered with an exaggerated smile, handing Reid a small Christmas card. Reid took it reluctantly and examined it.

"Oh, that's cute. The Lord of Capitalism and the Subordinate Clauses are all posing for a photo. And the slave-driver himself is holding the camera. I believe this is what people call a 'selfie'. And the joke is funny because Santa Claus is a traditionally old-fashioned figure who historically doesn't engage in such activities as the act of taking a sel-"

"When you put it like that, you kind of suck the fun out of the joke."

Reid smiled sweetly. "I know."

"Hey, I put effort into decorating this place this morning!" Morgan protested. "You could at least say _thank you_."

"You bought this for two dollars at Walmart. Along with nineteen other identical cards."

"Not true!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, the colours on the other ones are different. See, JJ's card is yellow, and yours is blue!"

"That wouldn't matter to someone with tritanopia. Blue-yellow colourblindness," Reid added when faced with Morgan's blank stare."

"Which _nobody _here has. Now you're just nitpicking," Morgan argued, crossing his arms.

Someone behind Morgan and Reid tapped them each on the shoulder. "Nitpicking what?" Kate asked, settling in at her desk as if there wasn't a rope of tinsel wrapped around it like a snake.

"Reid's whining about Christmas," Morgan explained, smirking triumphantly when Kate frowned.

"Why? Christmas is fun. You get stuff. For free!" she replied.

Reid's mouth twisted. "Yeah, you get free stuff. But you also have to buy other people stuff. And when you actually give people gifts, they always give you something better and more expensive in return. I always end up going, 'Oh wow, you got me a DVD player, thank you! I got you a Target coupon.' And then there's the people who say, "You don't have to get me anything, as long as we spend Christmas together!' No. You want me to buy you things. That's all you care about."

"Do you really get people Target coupons for Christmas?" Kate asked incredulously, before being interrupted by Hotch clearing his throat from in front of his office.

"Morgan, did you put this Christmas tree up in my office?" he asked with his usual stoic expression.

Morgan gulped. "Reid wouldn't let me have it out here," he started, "since he's allergic."

"Really?" Hotch smiled thinly. "What a coincidence. _So am I."_

o o o

**A/N: No, I don't like Christmas. Why do you ask?**

**This will be updated at random intervals until Christmas, although I can't promise anything because I'm not sure my Christmas-abhorring heart can handle it. **

**Reviews are cherished, adored, and kept close to my heart, opposite the part that hates Christmas. Thank you for reading!**


	2. two

The rest of the day in the bullpen passed without much Christmas-related teasing from anyone. Hotch had forced Morgan to move the Christmas tree out of his office and into Rossi's, threatening him with the task of rubbing cream onto the red rash that was slowly but surely appearing on the unit chief's arms. Rossi accepted the tree seemingly without complaint, and much to Reid's delight, Christmas was almost completely off his mind.

The only problem was a certain stubborn agent named Derek Morgan.

"Hey, Reid. Wanna watch a movie at my place tonight?" Morgan asked, strolling over to Reid's desk like the younger man hadn't been studiously avoiding him all day.

"Let me guess, you want to show me a Christmas movie and try and get me to bask in the Christmas spirit." Reid rolled his eyes. "You know, the offer would be tempting if I wasn't so sure that you'd do _exactly that."_

"I want to spend time with a friend. That's what you do with friends. Or have I been doing this friendship thing wrong my entire life?" Morgan joked, frowning in mock concern.

Reid sighed and slammed his desk drawer shut. "You want to watch a movie with me? Then we're watching my choice of movie, at my house. I'm scared you'll put on _National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation _or another equally cheesy Christmas movie."

Morgan flashed him a smile. "Sure, that sounds great - wait, is it gonna be one of your sci-fi movies?"

Reid shrugged. "I don't own much else in English."

"_I'll _bring a movie over then-"

"You're pushing it."

"-and if you don't like it, then we can watch a sci-fi movie instead," Morgan finished, carrying on like Reid hadn't interrupted him.

Reid hesitated. "Fine," he finally sighed, glancing down at his desk. "Be at my apartment by eight and we can - _that was not on my desk prior to this conversation." _He pointed to a brightly colored card lying face down on his desk.

"It's a card."

"I realised that. You already gave me one, why do I get another?" Despite his annoyance, Reid's curiosity got the better of him and he opened the card, reading its contents out loud. "_Dear Reid, I know that you don't like Christmas, but I bet this card will change your mi - _are you reading over my shoulder?"

"No, I'm reading through your torso," Morgan replied calmly. "Well? Have I instilled a newfound sense of Christmas cheer in you yet?"

"No, and I doubt you ever will," answered Reid flatly. "What's so special about that card that makes you think I'll suddenly love Christmas?"

Morgan grinned. "Then I guess it's time to unveil the secret weapon," he smirked, reaching over Reid shoulder and pressing a small button the younger agent hadn't previously noticed. _Jingle Bells_ immediately began playing at an obnoxiously loud volume, the sound file distorting unpleasantly due to the lack of a quality speaker.

"Oh my lord, please turn that off now," Reid growled, closing the card much harder than he needed to. "You are walking on thin ice, Derek Morgan. _Thin ice!"_

"Then I guess we'll just have to repair our damaged relationship tonight at eight o'clock," Morgan smiled, slinging his bag over his shoulder and beginning to head out the bullpen doors. "See you in a couple of hours." 

Kate snickered as soon as he was gone. "Have fun repairing that _damaged relationship_."

Reid scowled. "Not you too."

o o o

Morgan was only three minutes and forty-seven seconds late to his movie appointment with Reid. The younger agent let his coworker in with a vaguely threatening look on his face. Before Morgan could enter his apartment, he held up a hand to stop him. "What movie did you bring?" he asked before Morgan could get a word in.

Morgan frowned. "_Epic Movie_. Where's the Christmas in _that_?"

"I'm just going to ignore the fact that you have _Epic Movie _conveniently on hand and let you in."

"I almost brought _The Polar Express_," Morgan commented as he immediately made a beeline for the couch.

"I watched that once and it made me nauseous. I think it was the character models and the animation. Everyone looked slightly wrong and I couldn't figure out what it was," Reid commented offhandedly.

Morgan stood in the centre of the apartment, taking the entire room in. Nowhere could he find anything - _anything _- that suggested it was Christmastime. "Your apartment looks a little…dull," he commented in a bland tone, settling down on the couch.

"I didn't want any decorations at my desk today. What made you think I'd have them up at my apartment?" Reid frowned.

"Just _what _is so bad about Christmas that you have to constantly bring up how much you hate it whenever someone mentions it?" Morgan blurted out.

"I don't hate it. I just dislike it intensely. There is a _difference_."

"Why? Come on man, give me _something_!" Morgan pleaded.

Reid stared at him intently. "I never imagined you as someone who loves Christmas so much."

"I never imagined _anyone _could be this obtuse.Why do you hate Christmas?"

"Do I really have to have a specific reason?"

"Don't play dumb with me, Reid."

"I won't. You'd win," Reid smiled sweetly. "You're the one who brought _Epic Movie _to watch. Who's playing dumb now?"

"I'm just going to keep bugging you until I get some semblance of an answer, Reid," Morgan warned him, placing a protective hand over the DVD and blocking Reid's access to his own collection.

"Move, Morgan. You came here to watch a movie, not argue with me about why it's a crime for me to hate Christmas."

"And as soon as you tell me why, we can watch the movie."

"I would explain exactly why I don't care about Christmas to you, but I'm afraid I'm fresh out of crayons."

"See, not liking something that's reasonably popular doesn't mean you have to shit all over everyone else's opinions on it."

Reid sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "It's not important."

"If it's making you act like an asshole, I'd say it's pretty important."

"You _really _want to know?" Reid quirked an eyebrow.

"What have I been saying for the past twenty-four hours?" Morgan almost seethed.

"I used to watch Christmas specials on TV around December.. As in, those _really _bad ones that make you question how small a budget they must have had to create something that bad. And they all had one thing in common; everyone had a happy, normal, perfect family, and they all got together in the end to , I don't know, sing those awful Christmas songs and give each other _great _gifts and everyone was happy. People at school were always boasting about what they were going to get as a present, where they were taking a vacation, what they were doing over Christmas…I couldn't have any of that. My dad walked out early on and my mom was a paranoid schizophrenic who didn't even realise it was Christmas half the time. Any mention of Christmas just felt like a slap in the face to me that I could never be a part of a real family, like it was some big party that everyone got invited to but me." Reid paused. "That was all too common when I was growing up."

Morgan hesitated before continuing. "You know, I love Christmas for the same reasons you hate it. Christmas was the only time that I really got to properly interact with my family after my father died, since I was training a lot with Buford. At Christmas, I got to take a break from what was happening, pretend that it wasn't. A lot of my fondest memories are with my family at Christmas."

Reid was quiet for a long time before continuing. "I'm sorry. I was insensitive, forgetting about your situation."

"Don't be," Morgan shrugged. "I forgot about your situation too. How about we watch _Epic Movie _and forget that we were both being dicks?

Reid nodded and smiled. "Sounds good," he said, pausing before he continued. "I still _really _don't like Christmas for a whole myriad of other reasons. Annoying and tuneless carols. The effort required to assemble or otherwise acquire a Christmas tree. Christmas lights people put on their houses that blind me when I try and go outside at night. Christmas shopping. Small children whining about gifts they didn't get or don't like. Excessive weight gain-"

"Okay, okay. No need to remind me that the cons could overweigh the pros. I like my Christmas with _positivity_ and _optimism."_

o o o

**A/N: I still very much hate Christmas.**

**The moral of this story is that it's fine to have an opinion on something and hate it with your entire being, but the world isn't tailored to your needs and that doesn't mean you get to be a condescending asshole about it. (Which is what I'm being, so maybe I should take my own advice.) Or that it's perfectly acceptable and one hundred percent justified to despise Christmas. Take your pick.**

**Also, I wrote this on painkillers, so there's probably a metric crapton of errors in there that I'll edit later and these painkillers make me angry about the most mundane crap, and I also tried to incorporate some bullshit moral as you can plainly see above as I thought that was a good idea for some reason. So yeah, merry Christmas.**

**Also, I goddamn love Epic Movie and no critic is gonna tell me otherwise. 10/10 would watch many times.**

**Reviews and feedback are cherished and kept in a special place in my heart not too far from the place that hates Christmas with a passion that can only be called religious.**

**Thank you for reading!**


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